Tuesday night headlines

My show is tomorrow! Wish me luck. Here are some recent headlines....

If Hilary Clinton wins the presidency, President Bill Clinton may be appointed to her vacant senate seat...

Former president Clinton is enthusiastic about introducing the interns to a new Bill (hey-yo!)

Myspace to help authorities by posting amber alerts...

To make sure you read the posts they will be posted by slutty girls that don't want kids

The unintended side effect is that it will only help predators not waste their time (that one is already taken)

Obama calls for universal healthcare...this is all part of a plot to bankrupt the USA when extra terrestrials show upOk enough I have to prepare my show!

Tuesday night headlines (on Wednesday)

OK, sorry for being late again, but next week I promise Tuesday night headlines. Without further ado...

You Tube convention in San Diego a big disappointment

Organizers were hoping the girls would show up in their bra and panties

Somehow lip synching isn't as convincing live

The convention had to be shut down a day early because it was flagged by several users for "nerdity"

Science exploring new ways to regrow fingers and lost limbs

This research is unfortunately 10 years too late for John Wayne Bobbitt

Democrats to drop derogatory term "freshmen" in favor of "fresh person"

If you are changing names, how could you possibly pass on the opportunity to call yourself "Fresh Prince"?

He Be Sly Morn Orgy

haha. That's an anagram for my name. I saw this at Subatomic films, an internet anagram producer. More anagrams for my name
YO! RHYMERS BE LONG (my rap group)
BE MY HONORS GLORY (my 527 fundraisers)
BE HER GLORY MY SON (sage advice from a father-in-law)
REBEL GYM SO HORNY (now that's an alternative workout)
SORRY GLOBE HYMEN (due to global warming, Gaia's cherry has been popped)
BYGONE HELM SORRY (and under indictment too)
HOMBRE SYNERGY LO (Barrack Obama's lament)
NOBLE RHYMES ORGY (no it doesn't)
HORNY EMBRYO GELS (not exactly the scientific expression)
EBONY RHYMER'S LOG (Tupac's diary)
SOBER HYMEN GLORY (too easy)
OBEY RHYMERS LONG (put your hands in the air...wave em like you just don't care)
NOBLY GERM HER SOY (organic, dairy free love-making)
BOY LONGER RHYMES (you can't compete)
BY HO MERGERS ONLY (every city has a street like this)
GO ENROL BY RHYMES (how registration officially starts)

Tuesday night headlines (on Friday)

Due to popular demand (Ben mentioned it) I am putting up Tuesday night headlines. Albeit a little late. Next week is Tuesday for sure. Lampooning the headlines is good, but things tend to get stale - I saw a for real pro comic doing jokes about a news story that was 2 years old and thought "You really should stay on top of things a little more" Here goes!

New American Idol seasoned criticized for being too harsh...

These critics have obviously never been to an open mic

Food fats threatens womens' fertility...

At least you can look pregnant

The effect can be partially mitigated by prescribing alcohol to men

Maybe you aren't getting pregnant because you're fat

Chinese destroyed a satellite in space...

The UN called for a "peaceful" outer space. All the more reason to train a multi-national force of Jedi Knights

Scientists were concerned about space debri falling to earth. The Chinese comforted the international community by assuring they would collect the debri and assemble budget cell phones.

The United States army has developed a non-lethal heat ray gun...

What's the over-under on how long the guys from Jackass get their hands on this? I say two weeks

Schools concerned over online cyber-bullying...

Cyber bullying? Who is the nerd here?

If nerds never learned anything from pop culture, they should have at least learned that their inventions would always turn against them

Cool!!!

I think I will do a Tuesday night headlines on this blog to lampoon the news. Starting next Tuesday evening. This will give people a reason to check once a week and know there will be at least something.

I decided on a lark to go to Despair.com and see what's new. They have this feature where you can make your own demotivators!!!! Try it out. Here is mine

The Man Was Keeping Me Down

I guess you have to have a google account to use blogger now. I avoided it, but eventually caved. Recent happenings...

Went to the Windy City Rollers roller derby. It was trashy, fun, and awesome. I will be going back

Been doing 1-2 open mics a week in addition to class. I am trying to branch out and be more emotional on stage. I am also trying to work on storytelling humor.

Went on a road trip to see friends in Ann Arbor, Michigan. It was great, but Kevin commented "You should come back on not the coldest day in the year." We spun out on the expressway which did nothing to assuage my fear of dying in a car accident.