Tuesday night headlines (on Friday)

Due to popular demand (Ben mentioned it) I am putting up Tuesday night headlines. Albeit a little late. Next week is Tuesday for sure. Lampooning the headlines is good, but things tend to get stale - I saw a for real pro comic doing jokes about a news story that was 2 years old and thought "You really should stay on top of things a little more" Here goes!

New American Idol seasoned criticized for being too harsh...

These critics have obviously never been to an open mic

Food fats threatens womens' fertility...

At least you can look pregnant

The effect can be partially mitigated by prescribing alcohol to men

Maybe you aren't getting pregnant because you're fat

Chinese destroyed a satellite in space...

The UN called for a "peaceful" outer space. All the more reason to train a multi-national force of Jedi Knights

Scientists were concerned about space debri falling to earth. The Chinese comforted the international community by assuring they would collect the debri and assemble budget cell phones.

The United States army has developed a non-lethal heat ray gun...

What's the over-under on how long the guys from Jackass get their hands on this? I say two weeks

Schools concerned over online cyber-bullying...

Cyber bullying? Who is the nerd here?

If nerds never learned anything from pop culture, they should have at least learned that their inventions would always turn against them